but how can people expect that a world of only living 18 years of it has finally shaped the minds of people and compel them to believe that their calling is finally here, that their dreams are finally clear and that their aspirations are burning with fury to obtain that dream. i think its all bullshit. our last four years are compiled with “gotta get straight A’s (even though i might not even remember anything i’m learning)” , “gotta watch Gossip Girl (cause my life sucks and theirs is more interesting)”, ” gotta  have the coolest clothes and that cool farmer’s scarf (that everyone’s neck is strangled with)” and then have those years swarmed with convoluted colloquial sex terms and drug names that everyone else somehow instinctively knows.

but somehow we end up pulling some miraculous shit out of our asses and come up with some reason/explanation (some amazingly inspirational and some that just fall off the cliff)  as to how our world has shaped our goals and aspirations without writing something typical, cliche, blahblahblah.

but at least i’m not alone and at least i know that its something i’m gonna face and have to deal with cause everyone has, is, and will. complaining about it won’t do much, but i have to say, talking about how personal statements suck got me pouring out more words on paper than actually writing my personal statement.

Speaking of which, does anyone realize that Ms. Marfia chuckles or laughs a lot after every other statement or instruction she gives the class?

Anyways, i soon found out that the idea of having debates in english class sounds more fun with people arguing and pulling each other’s eyes than formally typing up all those claims and evidences and such.

How are you suppose to approach someone who you don’t know anything about but just want to talk to that person just ’cause? I mean I tried once before and IT DID NOT GO WELL. (i.e. me +olivia+summer bio) Either way I should’ve made an effort ’cause i regert it: one less week of getting to know that person. On Saturday I realized that opportunities don’t just happen and that if they do show up we have to take advantage of them. I should’ve taken that chance on and made an effort to talk to that person, good thing i still have next Saturday. crossed-fingers i won’t chicken out!

CGA PGA!!! Paramount’s Great America will always be Paramount’s Great America for me and Top Gun will forever be Top Gun and Drop Zone will forever be Drop Zone, so screw you California’s Great America (yuck!) and Drop Tower Scream Zone (eew!) and Flight Deck (just kill me!) The community service Interact did for the 5k Run Forest Run at PGA was fun and it was cool that we could spend the rest of the day riding rollercoasters there too. I was pissed that I couldn’t get my t-shirt with my actual size though, but thanks to kevin I got a Medium instead of those horrendous XX-Larges and XXX-Larges. My cravings were fulfilled thanks to that scrumptuous funnel cake =). so that piece of dessert made my day.

i made a facebook, yay me! i figured that i wanted to stil keep in touch with the friends i made during the summer and that maybe this site will do just that for me. So add me bitches!!! but don’t be my friend if you just kinda know me, cause i won’t just decline you ( because there’s not button for it), i’ll freaken ignore you!

Enough about politics!!!!!

Today was a pretty hectic day for me becuase i was constantly bothered by the fact that my schedule did not change and that I was unable to get Statistics. I finally thought things through and talked with my dad and came to a conclusion that i thought was very smart: SCREW YOU MATH!

and i will leave this topic on that note.

SAT’s are coming up! so for all those procrastinators who left SAT’s for senior year, register and study study study! cuase the next one is on Oct 4. Ha! how ironic, i should be the one who should be studying instead of announcing to the world that they should and that i shouldn’t waste my days pondering on random thoughts.

…..yea, i should really start.

when i turned in my summer assignment for ap lang, (THANK GOD that was the only summer assignment i had to do) i realized that i put a lot of effort into all my summer homework assignments, but when it comes to doing actual work during school year, i just don’t put the effort that i need to. school is literally sucking all my energy out of me.

surrounded by four walls my entire summer, one thing that interestingly, or should i say unfortunately, happened to me occurred at my doctor’s. so i walk into the office and everything was cool and chill cause you know i’m known this doctor my entire life and i know the procedure for getting my shots and stuff. so pretty much i’m thinking: i get in..get a shot, i can handle this, and then get out and come back to being surrounded with the familiar four walls. BUT! nothing ever happens the way you plan for it to happen. so this is what actually happened: i walked in , GOT THE SHOT, stood up and blacked out and just fainted. so then i woke up finding myself in a chair, thinkin… this aint my house and what the hell happened. let me tell all of you if you never fainted before, it is the scariest shit! i seriously did not know what happened and i lost track of time all within like 3 minutes.. now that is crazy! i was so freaked out but thankfully i was good. i guess the shot the doctor gave me was really strong and she didn’t think that i had any problems handling it. BUT! (and there’s another “but”) i still need to take two more shots from the same medicine the next two following months. so yes, i’m still freaked! by the way the shot i had to take was to prevent young girls from getting clitoris cancer i believe and it just came out like 2 years ago or something. so this shit better not have side affects or any of that crap. crossed fingers!

take responsibility. carry it, hold it and never let it go. until then will you triumph with it.

i’m going to miss spring break.

—You’re so blind, you’re so blind in so many ways. But i guess its my fault cause i raised you, holding a looking-glass in front, only allowing you to see the innocent things in life. I’ve raised you and put you in a world where i protect you constantly and don’t let go of your hand. Once more, i regret. One more child i thought i did right, one more child i thought I taught them right. I thought I had fixed my mistakes through my sons, but once again, I still question myself.

Disappointment. pain. guilt. They shoot out from his eyes as he tells me all of this.

—Now you are fine and everything is okay. But that’s only because i am still here and i still shield you with that looking-glass i put in front of you. But when you go to college, i won’t be there and i am not sure you’re ready.

I know it is a little bit late, but remember this: Don’t trust everyone. Don’t become too attached to people. And don’t forget your family, because in the end, they’re all you’ll ever really have.The world is so cruel, it is more cruel than you’ll ever learn to believe. The people you meet will not always be nice and the jobs you take won’t always make you happy. Betrayal. Deception. Some of the many evils that will never cease to exist in this cruel world. You must remember that despite all of this, you’ll always be loved by your family. No matter what, you’ll always have me, your mom, and your brothers.

—What about my friends? They love me, they care for me, too!

—Friends?

—Yes, friends. Just because you went to school in Vietnam doesn’t mean it’ll be the same here in America. Times have changed and Americans consider they’re close friends as family. Why can’t i have and keep the friends that are like that too?

—Once again, you’re just thinking like an innocent child. To find someone like that is hard, America is not as great as everyone imagines it to be. Look at us, the Chinese, we were fooled that living in America would mean good jobs, homes, and wealth. But we had to work just as hard to get where we are at today. The world is filled with people who are not as genuine and kind as you imagine them to be. People can change, no matter the race, country or era, and its one of the evils in this world, so don’t be fooled. Yes, for now you’ll have your friends, but outside that looking-glass and outside from home when you have graduated from high school, will they still be there? Will they remain to become the same way they are now? Will they not be swayed and influenced by the evils in this world? Oblivious of the cruel things that people can do, once again you make me scared that you’re not ready. Not ready for the big world out there.

But for now, do well in school. Get good grades. And don’t get grades for me, but for yourself.

Once again I failed and once again i am trying to replenish myself by guiding my last child to the right path in life. Help me atone for my mistakes and help me from this guilt i carry as a parent. Help me fix my mistakes by doing well in school, help me repent the mistakes i have done from teaching your brothers, through you. But always remember, do it ’cause you want to. Do it ’cause you want to learn from me and know that I am only being hard on you for you. I only tell you this and only teach you things to help you.

I wanted him to stop. I did not want to share that guilt he had as a parent. I did not want to hear anymore.

Which is harder? To be the oldest child who must put up with setting a good example, or the youngest child who must live up to repent the mistakes made in their older siblings and do even better?

I laid in my bed thinking. thinking about everything. all about what he said. my mood after he said all of that? mad? guilty?

“Oh, I don’t wanna’ spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I’ve let all these years go by
Wasted”
- Carrie Underwood

The perfect lyrics to my current mood.

Daddy, I will try.

No one really knows about what happened to us, no one really remembers.Even though we started off as enemies, we grew to accept one another and become friends.

In class, he used to be the bad ass, the bully, the troublemaker, you name it. I was the goody two shoes, who always sucked up to the teacher and was always praised for doing exceptionally well for my age. As a young kid, I thought he was obnoxious and troublesome for acting so childish and always getting into trouble. Being the top student of the class, my teacher decided to put me right next to him in class. And for the most part of that school year, I always sat next to him. I guess the teacher figured that my good behavior would influence him or at least rub off of me. Of course, being the little good girl who was raised by her asian parents, to choose friends according to their performance in school, I was mad and frustrated that I was put next to such a delinquent. I thought he was impossible to be around with and that regulating someone like him would deviate me from excelling my already pristine academic record. Despite my pompous thoughts, I continued to remind him to stop fooling around when the teacher was talking. We had our differences, and they were explicitly shown the moment we had our first conversation together-the way we talked, the way we looked at each other, and the way he held our titles: me=the smart girl, him=the bad bully. Out of all the things that were different about us, there was one thing we had in common: he hated me and I hated him. We soon grew tired of getting mad at each other, so occasionally we agreed on some things and his behavior in class got better and we gradually became friends. We always made fun of each other and laughed at one another. I always made fun of his imitations of Michael Jackson and the eyebrow lift he always did, to impersonate The Rock. He always made fun of how I tried to understand his background knowledge on hip hop, rap, NFL and WWE. We still hated each other’s guts though , because I still held the title of being the goody two shoes and he still held the title of being the hardcore,bad ass, bully.

One day, he was making fun of me and laughing at how some guy liked me. The guy who had a crush on me even made me a personal valentine card, which the teacher gave to me in person. I was so mad and irritated by my obnoxious friend. Not only was I put in an awkward situation and hated the fact that everyone knew about it and was making fun of me, I had to sit next the guy who kept on pestering and making fun of me more. I cracked. I broke down into tears- fed up with him teasing me and fed up with him making fun of me. Crying in class, delaying the lesson that the teacher had prepared, I made everyone know how hurt I was. How selfish, I know. Out of all people who were teasing me, I had to break down and blame it on him. I guess you can say, that was when the bitch was born, but it wasn’t like I did it on purpose. I don’t know why I had to cry, I mean it wasn’t a big deal. I guess, at 4th grade, I was really sensitive. I felt bad, honest to god, i felt so bad. I didn’t want him to have to say sorry. it really wasn’t his fault. maybe because everyone was making fun of me ,and once again i had to hear the taunting and the laughing, but this time from the guy with the guts I hated.

The next day we were silent and we didn’t talk to each other. The teacher changed seats and I never sat with him again. Ever since then, we’ve gone through every year without taking notice of one another, without acknowledging each other, without saying one word to each other. We went to the same middle school and now, we go to the same high school. Seven years have gone by and still, we don’t say a word to one another. We see each other in school and we know of each other’s existence, but we try to ignore it and we try not to notice it. There were occasional glances, but that was all. Yesterday, i saw him again, participating for Battle. I sat and watched, he danced and practiced. He stopped and I looked up. We glanced at one another and then we turned away. I left to head home and he stayed to dance. Once again, we noticed each other’s existence, but we chose to ignore it. Do i regret what happened? of course. Do i wish that we could have continued to be friends? of course. Do i yearn for at least one “hi” from him, some time before we part our ways and the end of senior year comes? of course, i do. I don’t want to add another year to our 7 years of slience to one another and I don’t want to leave my school days in san jose carrying the regret, that i hurt him in grade school and got him in trouble over something so trivial. But as much as i want to, I just can’t confront him. Seven years is a long time, and we live in completely different worlds. I remember I was always so nervous around him, because he was the bully of the class. Maybe that nervousness still lingers with me. What’s done is done and i know that i can’t turn back the hands of time and the actions I’ve done.

Ever since i was young, school was never an issue for me. The educational part of school, that is. But now, things have changed and schoolwork has been so much harder for me. Maybe it’s ’cause I waste too much time doing nothing. Actually, I know it is. But still, I hate those who understand things just like that or finish their homework so quickly because they understand and I don’t. There’s always that type of student who has to try their best in order to obtain their achievements and there’s always that other type of student that doesn’t have to try much because they were luckily born with the intelligence. Even though I want to be luckily born with those smart traits and do so academically well in school, I like to make myself think that not having those gifted smart genes is better than having them. Maybe ’cause the struggles you go through to get what you want seem more thrilling or daring or more heroic, than not having any of those experiences at all.

What ever happened to Freddie Prince Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar ? They randomly came across my head as I was thinking about one of my favorite movies, ” She’s All That”. They’re such a cute couple, I wonder what’s going on with them and how they are doing. Anyways, started youtubing and came across with this ad for Avon. My heart just simply melted.

I like commercials similar to this one. Why don’t they make commercials like these anymore?

Today I learned that some of the good friends we have aren’t the ones we always hang out with, but the ones who were always there and never seemed to really matter. Because they are the ones that watch from afar and see you struggle and fall, and notice your little flaws, they will always remain right behind you, in your shadows. But more than that, they are always just there because they care. They do care ,more so than you will ever begin to realize.

you have no clue how much you irritate me. you drive me to hate you so much that i end up hating myself. stop thinking so highly of me ’cause you only become annoying. just take me off that pedestal.

“we must always seek to ally ourselves with that part of the enemy that knows what is right” -Mahatma Gandhi